Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize