the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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