I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
