It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
