someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I cut my penus on the lid.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize