If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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