i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
