i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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