I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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