i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
