Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
