Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
