There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
