Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
