I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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