somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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