Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(303): View more from Colorado

then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(954): View more from Florida

had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(360): View more from Washington

i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha

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(256): View more from Alabama

Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women

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