garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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