The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
