Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
