It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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