Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
