I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
