And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
