they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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