I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
