Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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