Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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