he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
