lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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