you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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