It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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