Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
