just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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