she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
