remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
