i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
