Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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