I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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