just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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