Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
