I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
