Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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