Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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