She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
