haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
