hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
