This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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