she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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