Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Holy shit dude........stairs
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
