You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
