just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
