69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
