i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
