my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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