If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
