good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
