Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
